Life after Divorce – Should You Date, or Wait? - Marrison Family Law

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Life after Divorce – Should You Date, or Wait?

Wednesday, 14 August 2013

divorce_datingIn a culture that is accustomed to divorce, it may seem like newfound singlehood would be a welcome "second chance," but few people agree on what that means. Does a divorce signal the beginning of dating? Some divorcees have their online dating profiles already written before the divorce is final, while others are happy to sit by the sidelines for a while.

After divorce, Tamsen Fidal admits she was not at all interested in dating, but she soon found there was "life after divorce." Ms. Fidal, a regular contributor to Huffington Post Divorce and the author of "Why Hasn't He Called?: New York's Top Date Doctors Reveal How Guys Really Think and How to Get the Right One Interested," has come to the conclusion that if you don't love yourself, finding love after divorce will be very difficult. It is important to find some alone time and allow yourself to heal before jumping into another relationship. Learn as much as you can about yourself and take your time.

Dating after divorce doesn't have to be daunting. As a Colorado Springs divorce attorney, I see many clients getting into the dating scene before the final decree comes through. While I would advise against a serious relationship right away, there is nothing wrong with serious friendship.

In her article for the Huffington Post, "To Date or Not to Date," Fidal gives readers some very good guidelines for the recently divorced.

Don't rush back to the altar: If you think the divorce rate is high for first marriages; it is far worse for second and third marriages. Statistics show that 60 to 70 percent of these unions end in divorce. Why not take your time and make sure that new partner is really "marriage material."

Take some time for yourself: No matter who you're dating, getting serious too quickly is probably not a good idea. Before you start posting a profile on every dating web site, take time to find out what you really want in a partner. Jumping back into dating just so you can say you have weekend plans is not the goal. It will be far more rewarding if you meet like-minded people in the process.

Stop looking: We've all been there; as soon as we stop looking it seems like the right person just appears in our midst. It's not foolproof, but there it's possible that we are more attractive when we're not quite so desperate. Many dating "experts" believe that the only time you will really find the right person is when you stop looking.

What's wrong with being alone? You may have heard the expression, "It's better to be lonely alone than to be lonely with someone else." Don't just go out with someone so you won't have to go out alone. It's smarter to wait until you find a person you want to spend time with, but don't be afraid to let it start out as friendship and see where it leads.

Go solo sometimes: If you're constantly surrounded by friends it's not easy to meet someone, so try going out on your own sometimes. It's okay to be seen in a restaurant reading a good book or having a drink in the hotel bar by yourself. Take classes, hit the theatre or go on a trip by yourself. Remember, not everyone is part of a couple. You might just find it easier to strike up conversations with people when you're not a part of a group, and guys are much more likely to approach you when you are on your own.

Just be yourself: Most people who are now divorced will say they feel like they were so different when they were married, implying that they didn't know who they were during that time of their life. Promise yourself never to feel that way again and start by being yourself on the first date. If you're into ethnic foods and like to eat with your hands, then go out to your favorite restaurants and roll up your sleeves. Never stop being yourself just to make an impression on a date.

Bottom line, getting divorced is not a reason to be down on yourself and there is no reason to rush back to the altar. Give yourself a break and allow yourself time to heal, time to live and take it slow when you meet someone.

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MPatMarrisonFor over a quarter century, we have helped people during what is often the darkest time in their lives. Divorce is not easy even under the best of circumstances. For most people, family is central. Having something go wrong in the family can have a ripple effect that extends beyond the home and into other areas.

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